One year ago...

Tomorrow, Jillian turns one.

I have very mixed feelings about my baby turning one.  I’m excited because she is growing so much, and learning so much, and it’s just so fascinating to see what her next ‘new thing’ will be. And after getting a glimpse this weekend of what Jillian will be like next year at this time (my niece, who is almost 2, was visiting),  I’m looking forward to having tea parties, dancing to music, her repeating every word I say, and pulling her hair up in pigtails.  But a part of me is also very sad.

Jillian isn’t a baby anymore.

I guess that this realization hit me about a month or so ago when a friend of mine from work looked at her picture, and actually said “Wow, she doesn’t look like a baby any more!”  And I looked at the picture too – and it hit me. My coworker was right.  Jillian was standing up tall, her hair was longer, she was walking, and she had a look of focus in her eyes. She was no longer the immobile girl lying in the middle of the floor reaching desperately for a toy, or the baby with wandering eyes and a lack of understanding of the world around her.  She now had purpose, determination, focus, and opinions.  And I became a little sad that her ‘baby’ days were behind us.

In the past week or so, I’ve been reminiscing about what I was doing ‘a year ago today’.  I remember a year ago this very day feeling so nervous, but excited with anticipation since we were going to the hospital tonight to be induced.  And I’m sure that tomorrow morning, I will remember again our worry about why her heart rate wasn’t stable, our nervousness about how best to deliver her without any problems, the pain of the contractions as my epidural was wearing off, and the hour of pushing before her perfect little self arrived and was placed in my arms. Life changed completely a year ago tomorrow – and I could never have imagined how fantastic it would actually be.

But it’s becoming more real as the day wears on, and it’s a good thing. We had our families over on Saturday for her first birthday party, and my cousin (who has a 17-month old of her own) asked me how I was dealing with Jillian turning one.  Since it was still 4 days away, I wasn’t thinking of how real it was. It was still so far in the future. And then we sang Happy Birthday in front of a great big Elmo cake, and I blew out the candles that spelled J-I-L-L-I-A-N, and it became more real.  Then Matt and I went shopping the next day for her birthday presents - more real.  And now, her birthday is tomorrow – even more real.

Only 12 more hours of my girl not being one year old.  I’m hanging on to every minute.